social anxiety

In attempts to continuously self-improve, I have once again placed myself in a situation bound to prey upon my largest discomforts and anxieties. It is the effort to grow past fears, leap out of comfort zones. In theory, signing on to these kinds of projects is wanderfuly ambitious and brave and I crave them in my everyday life. However, once the time comes and I have to actualize these ambitions, I find myself feeling all of the terrible things I had expected and well, wishing for the comfort of my bed, my puppy, I'll even go so far as to say "I want my daddddy".
Here I am at camp. I got hired onto this job because my prerequisites fit the title; I am to be a counsler for a group of students who are "Leaders in Training". This place is beautiful. Actually, if I had happened upon these grounds with a group of my close friends I would probably call it my heaven on earth. Forest, lake, wallclimbs, horses, ropes courses; it is an absolute fantasy. Unfortunately, because I am a socially anxious wimp, I am so tainted by this new group of people that I can hardly enjoy the beauty that lies around me. My fellow staff is a group of people who are somehow already unbelievably connected; they fill with joy in each others' precense. As I step in as a newcomer, I am forced to jealously observe and somehow, I forget all of my supposed attributes and quiver into the corner. Other newcomers come in and feel right at home, make quick friends, and always haev someone to sit with, chat with, laugh with. However, I come in with an abundance of control dramas and can barely piece together sentences to redeem myself for not having gone to this camp since before my menstral cycle began.
It is times like these that I try to remember who I am, how I can present myself to these brand new individuals who have no concept of my history. I think to myself how I went into other situations of the sort; this sometimes is comforting as I think of how wanderful I feel in that group now (Greeno) or makes my stomache ulcer a bit stronger (as I recount many days of ASB).
This is going to be an amazing experience, eventually I am going to fall in love with this place, stop beign afaid and intimidated, and maybe I'll even remember that I am a confident, beautiful, intelligent young lady. I am aren't I?
This is for the best; I will get through these first terrible uncomfortable days and be a bit better at meeting new people and groups. Or else I will give in to my ultimate desire to live in a cabin in the forest and write for the rest of my life. It's looking good lately, I'm sayin.